tired

so it has been a wishful thought on my end...

im tired... today supposed to be the turning point... so it's the point of downward spiral...

Denial

So... I am suppose to identify and recognize my own feelings. I always choose to avoid and suppress them, which is why I am like that now...

Am reading this now http://www.mkprojects.com/fa_emotions.html

"The following are a few examples of the methods people use to avoid feeling their emotions.

• Ignoring your feelings
• Pretending something hasn’t happened
• Overeating
• Eating foods loaded with sugar and fat
• Excessive drinking of alcohol
• Excessive use of recreational drugs
• Using prescription drugs such as tranquilizers or Prozac
• Exercising compulsively
• Any type of compulsive behavior
• Excessive sex with or without a partner
• Always keeping busy so you can’t feel
• Constant intellectualizing and analyzing
• Excessive reading or TV
• Working Excessively
• Keeping conversations superficial
• Burying angry emotions under the mask of peace and love"

I am guilty for all of the above almost...

But somehow... I feel I am subconsciously rejecting recovery. I feel I don't deserve to be happy... it's so strange...

T was suggesting I may have feelings for him that I am not recognizing or hiding it. Am I? I don't even know... what is it like to like/love someone?
The fact that my heart ache every time he disappoints me or upset him unnecessary?!

Can I be emotionless? Again, another extreme approach that is unrealistic.

The root - could be the environment that I grew it in make me so oppressed?

Sleep

I go to bed every night hoping I will not wake up......

Regrets

got this from the book 'being happy' by Andrew Matthews

Live for now, not 'If only' or 'What will"

I have so many regrets that's almost uncountable. I feel I always make choices not for myself.

If I can restart,

I would not have join my sister during recesses & mugged in the library instead. Think she found me a pain. Like joining the recorder ensemble.
I would not have join track&field just so because the teachers put me into.
I would have have gone to Japan exchange program.
I would not have joined band in sec sch... & made the same mistake in jc.
Judo might have been more useful, at least I don't have to run 2.4 three times every year.
I would not have gotten myself into the band committee then. The first of many unappreciated gig. the first sign that I'm not a team player.
I would not have gone for foc or run for council. slack so much in aj or let the incident affect me...
I might not have derail or things might be better ...
sigh...

Un-ease

a sense of unease has been bothering me...

I don't know if it's because the awkward email to M, or the fact that I'm sure of next step, or the fact that RR hasn't respond (ok, it's monday..chill), or because I've no news on the reference letter... (ok, patience) or because I'm guilty of He said...

I need something to distract myself... ok, time to hit the papers...

mockery

i don't understand & will probably never will