tired

so it has been a wishful thought on my end...

im tired... today supposed to be the turning point... so it's the point of downward spiral...

Denial

So... I am suppose to identify and recognize my own feelings. I always choose to avoid and suppress them, which is why I am like that now...

Am reading this now http://www.mkprojects.com/fa_emotions.html

"The following are a few examples of the methods people use to avoid feeling their emotions.

• Ignoring your feelings
• Pretending something hasn’t happened
• Overeating
• Eating foods loaded with sugar and fat
• Excessive drinking of alcohol
• Excessive use of recreational drugs
• Using prescription drugs such as tranquilizers or Prozac
• Exercising compulsively
• Any type of compulsive behavior
• Excessive sex with or without a partner
• Always keeping busy so you can’t feel
• Constant intellectualizing and analyzing
• Excessive reading or TV
• Working Excessively
• Keeping conversations superficial
• Burying angry emotions under the mask of peace and love"

I am guilty for all of the above almost...

But somehow... I feel I am subconsciously rejecting recovery. I feel I don't deserve to be happy... it's so strange...

T was suggesting I may have feelings for him that I am not recognizing or hiding it. Am I? I don't even know... what is it like to like/love someone?
The fact that my heart ache every time he disappoints me or upset him unnecessary?!

Can I be emotionless? Again, another extreme approach that is unrealistic.

The root - could be the environment that I grew it in make me so oppressed?

Sleep

I go to bed every night hoping I will not wake up......

Regrets

got this from the book 'being happy' by Andrew Matthews

Live for now, not 'If only' or 'What will"

I have so many regrets that's almost uncountable. I feel I always make choices not for myself.

If I can restart,

I would not have join my sister during recesses & mugged in the library instead. Think she found me a pain. Like joining the recorder ensemble.
I would not have join track&field just so because the teachers put me into.
I would have have gone to Japan exchange program.
I would not have joined band in sec sch... & made the same mistake in jc.
Judo might have been more useful, at least I don't have to run 2.4 three times every year.
I would not have gotten myself into the band committee then. The first of many unappreciated gig. the first sign that I'm not a team player.
I would not have gone for foc or run for council. slack so much in aj or let the incident affect me...
I might not have derail or things might be better ...
sigh...

Un-ease

a sense of unease has been bothering me...

I don't know if it's because the awkward email to M, or the fact that I'm sure of next step, or the fact that RR hasn't respond (ok, it's monday..chill), or because I've no news on the reference letter... (ok, patience) or because I'm guilty of He said...

I need something to distract myself... ok, time to hit the papers...

mockery

i don't understand & will probably never will

June

First a silent exit... hoping it to be once and for all

A relaxing planned trip in Shanghai.... culturally appalled that they don't have my shoe size.. I thought they are cosmopolitan city
Bestie trying her best to keep me accompany... really appreciate it... though it pains to see her working like crazy

A last minute, impulse-filled errand trip to Hong Kong. Experienced Typhoon3... wow really windy...
Experienced life like never before... Feel so surreal, unbelievable & unforgettable
If I die tomorrow, at least I've no regrets....
Felt so content & at peace that I didn't shop in the plane

Job hunt journey officially commence... indeed a bitch

A wrong move that caused me much pain in the back... If I can only attract indians and losers... I rather have nothing seriously

back to the office again... for couple of week... brace myself & control....

reminder to pick up the book... have to clear it this round... UK in Nov shall be the motivation.

anhedonic

i think i have some serious issues. period.

2010

still alive, unfortunately.

I've a lot of thoughts running in my mind... no one to grumble it too? is solution something i need or want, or I just want to vent?

i've always been the one listening....but who listens to me?

no 1 listens to me when i talk, everywhere.... not surprising.... everyone for themselves....

bother....it's so frustrating....

now i know why people pay psychiatrist to listen to them.....

back 2

LoL... it's been 2 months since my last entry... unfortunately.. nothing has changed. still stressed out... by work, by school, by my wallet...

i think i like to torture myself... working so hard..neglecting supposedly 'impt' stuff... dunno for what... hahaha... even my boss is afraid of my workaholism...

sleeping in class, don't want but i can't help it... not paying attention to family when i know i should... not taking care the way i spend which i know is gonna land in problem one of these days....

like the feeling of stomach rumbling... like the feeling of 'too-many-things-to-do-but-no-time'... like the feeling of being overwhelmed and lost & trying hard for solutions...like the feeling of constant migraine, earache & gastric pain... like to think of death to escape problems... think i'm a sadist.

someone asked if I have thought of changing my thinking... i said maybe not.. actually what i wanted to say was maybe, you can me change if not....

can't wait for this year to end....

return

Ok, i'm back...

recently, everyone has to 'youtwitface' in office. I forgot to remove my blog url on twitter hence gotta resort to 'hide' my blog instead...

I guess coast is clear now >.<

currently am totally stressed out by exams & personal finance disaster...

drop me a note if anyone wants to make some donation to my account

TQ!

Coincidentally, this is my 201st entry.

franglish

I'm so tired!!! but i must blog about this hilarious conversation.

My company favorite intern went for a short trip to m'sia over the weekend. He took an overnight bus back to singapore and looked really exhausted. .. when one cannot focused... they cannot focused.

When my boss told him to help me with something tomorrow, he went, " ok, jacq... let me have a good rest tonight and I can do whatever you want me to do tomorrow...."

I went stunned for 3secs before bursting out in laughter...

Later on... when he was packing up and about to leave... I casually asked "You going back?"
He was like, " You need me?"

HAhAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Oh gosh.... so funny... LOL

believe it or not... i'm neurotic...

i think qi can ascertain my neurotic state of mind...

i know i'm too honest, blunt, too serious, that i offend everyone around me... don't really care.

sometimes i can restrain, be nonchalant, sometimes i just lose control

most of the times i regret the words that came out of my mouth, so?

i just feel people in general cannot take truth right in their face...

just bcos I don't want to 委曲求全 it makes me a bully?!

what a world....

run.... don't run.... ? i want run to the end of the world, is there an end in the first place?

i'm officially broke... penniless... no money to pay school fees.. bills... library fines... running into debts....

so screwed....

do u have this feeling that somehow things always go well for some people while life just sux for u...?

even if their troubles seem so 'perfect'? maybe they have the ability to 拿得起放得下

why why why why why why why why why why why why why why............?

so sianz................ so demoralising... my mental state is not healthy... i bite.

aiya.... i just don't fit in. bleh

movies

it is always this time, whenever there's movies i wanted to catch, that I realized I really don't have many friends...

so far.... i think i only managed to catch one movie myself i think... other than that i resigned to not not watching at all...

definitely not walloping in self-pity, kinda enjoy this somehow... im such a psycho... hahahahaha...

down

i'm feeling a bit disoriented now.... lots of things to do, lots of things to settle, lots of issues to to tackle...

dunno why things end up like this... I SUX at people-people relationship management =(

anyway, i'm officially a mac convert. Got my own macbook.

Selling my 3 month old dell to Qi. I'm so happy that she got a job offer, so happy that things are brightening up for her.

Wish she can rub some of the good fortune on me...

so sianzzzz.... i need to talk and sort.

am i taking things too seriously?

http://flightsq047.blogspot.com/2009/04/wife.html

LoL was reading qi's entry on 'wife'

she was 'grumbling' how come she has yet to find her 'the one' despite the fact that she is equipped with all the 'wife' qualities

LoL

i tot otherwise. I don't think my mum trained us so that we can be better wives of others. it's more like to train our independence so that we DON'T need the others. doubt guys of our age can change lightbulbs or hammer stuff.... minced big charcoal stove and minced 3kg of meat. Hahaha!
one area qi excel in which i totally have no flair in: sewing!!! whahahahah

choco craziness

hmm.... i'm not addicted to chocolate. On the contrary, i think i should stay away from chocolate.

Never like chocolates of any sort, for those who know me well. Don't mind to have a bit occasionally....

i always tot bananas have an uncanny effect on me... but i think i should stay away from chocolates too. ....

Went crazy after the brownie cake last fri... the scary part is i've totally have no control over it. ...

It only hit me that i was not alright like the next day?! gosh... it's worse that alcohol.. at most some rashes & KO...

So dreadful.... urps...

anger

So so so so so so so so so so so so Angry with myself...

took things too lightly this sem... poor time mgmt... arrogance...

left 20mins after the exam commenced this morning...

cannot answer anything... with lack of knowledge even crapping skills failed.

puke until my guts flipped...

so pissed, so mad...

2 years of hard work down the drain... there goes my 1c or maybe 21c... maybe I'll end up with such a ordinary useless qualification... exactly like before. How Great...

Got my 1st borderline marks last sem, didn't learn the lesson.

By the time I panicked... too many unanticipated happenings impeded the planned.....

spent too much at work, on non value-adding stuff.

I'm in a constant dilemma with myself on this...
don't like the fact that work got distributed out.. yet I don't have the time or even capability perhaps to handle... too many nitty-gritty stuffs to sort.. diluted focus... poor planning... inability to multi-task....

want to excel but can't/unable... should I just don't care... need to sort out this internal doubt/struggle...

Are these reasons or excuses, i wonder... maybe i'm just not up to it... all these higher level of work or studies... i'm just a mediocre... time to end those self deceptions... hhahaha...

Inefficiencies, procrastinations, depressed... gosh... it's all coming back....i hate this.

i hate the lack of control... the lack of system in my life... i hate myself..

i sux.

Friday 13th

yet another friday the 13th...a sombre one...

my youngest uncle passed away this morning... was in the news

like my eldest uncle 2yrs back... also in the news...

life's so unfair... how can tragedy struck this family twice... lost their mum decade back... now their dad...

life sux...

stay strong, my couzs...

Whiplash effect

TMD... woke with soreness all about my body... like kenna hit by car like tt...

BUT... felt better today in terms of spirit...

Spent 2 hrs at northpoint just now (very discipline... kept to the time schedule)

- the same bus came in 3mins. (see lah, when u suay, everything is suay. see previous post)
- get to eat what i want to eat (prata sausage and cone pizza)
- bought what i want to buy (3 pairs of shoes)
- black shawl (this is just retail therapy, $10 anything lah)
- only spoiler was this cashier (code3). they put this $10 insole on the $5 rack, obviously I'll assume it is $5 right?! when i realized it was $10 when she scanned, obviously I say I dun want lah. when I return with the correct $5 one, she was giving me that pek chek look saying next time must check the pricing, if not very troublesome for her. (note: troublesome, not difficult)
*** i was completely bewildered lor. how complicated can it get to void an item??? sometimes double scan also need to void right... not that she hit the enter key already. Moreover, I'm the customer leh. Plus, I was really apologetic..... furthermore the store manager was there and she saw everything.

Learn from your manager lah... she came up to me when i went back to take the correct one and assisted me with the different kinds of the insole, how to clean them and reuse etc.... She even explained probably a customer place it wrongly and apologized that they didn't noitce it in time and hence my incovenience.

it was because of the manager that I was subtle in my reply to that cashier. I told her i was mistaken and people do made mistakes and I've already apologized. If she need to explain to the management I can verify for her. My last sentence " You don't have to give me that face, you know".

At least I didn't say the cliche one, 'I'm the customer leh, I'm always RIGHT!' hahahhahaha =)

ok.. back to info crunching....